Hello. It’s Me Again.

WIN_20170818_07_14_25_Pro

I’m not as happy as I look in this photo.

I’ve been diagnosed Bipolar II. Decided to see a professional after a depressive “episode” that lasted for months (probably had something to do with Blur.) For some reason, it doesn’t feel right. I can’t put it into words. This may just have something to do with having been proven wrong about the assumptions I’ve had all these years being tossed to the curb. I take the meds anyway.

There’s a guy I like. Works at this restaurant I recently discovered and has since fallen in love with (the place, not the guy.) He reminds me of Bucky Barnes, for some reason. He does the whole eye-fucking thing with me. I may be a little bit obsessed with him; I’ve been trying to find out what his name is for weeks. But I skip out on the place for a month and the next thing I know, he’s got a band around his left ring finger. Fuck me, right?

Then there’s also this guy I sort of like. Not really, but he’s a cool guy and we click. Anyway, he likes my friend. Surprise?

I have a credit card now and will be handling the family’s bills.

Been going out and seeing movies with friends.

I went on Tinder again. This time I actually got to talk to some people. There’s this one guy who likes memes and has a lot of ink. I like him but he can’t hold a decent conversation–always turns it into weird “edgy” one-liners. He’s the only person I actually go back to Tinder for, but my app’s been fucked up for a while, so I don’t know.

I’m still unemployed. I’ve taken up baking to pass the time. I don’t know what to do with my life, still. But I’m moving, little by little.

Believe me, I am still alive

Advertisements

Things Have Happened

I enrolled. Fixed my schedules, paid my fees. Went to class for the first time this semester.

After the last class of the day, I found that I’m not ready for this yet. It’s going to be really difficult this time, I can feel it.

That being said, I hung out with my classmates on the first couple days of class.

I’m the one in the green shirt & faded jeans + dirty black sneakers.

I went back home to Manila after.

I got my hair dyed red for some reason I’m not sure of. I also had it cut a bit shorter. I like it. I think it looks kinda awesome. And besides, my sister paid for it.

It’s her birthday in a couple of days too, so I guess I came home in time.

There’s a big storm over some parts of the country again. Signal no. 5 or something. I can’t even begin to think of things that would make this okay.

We have a new fish in the tank. It’s an aroana. We haven’t yet decided on the name. It seems to be afraid of me.

fish

Like Incubus says, “a picture will survive, so smile and look alive.”

It’s A Good Day Because Of Four Things

Hear ye, yet another life update on this here blog regarding the events of this here day

1) I bought a new book.random_06There was a guy by our campus lobby who set up a table and doth proceeded to lay out tons of awesome second-hand books in assorted conditions of wear. It physically caused me pain to have to choose only one from the fuckload of books I had already held to my bosoms, as if I could buy them. When I realized I was taking too long crying over the books I couldn’t buy, I bought this Irvine Welsh book called Glue. I haven’t read anything by Welsh prior to buying this book, but I know him from Trainspotting, and if the movie was anything to go by, the books were probably awesome. At Php280, I don’t know if it’s a steal or a ripoff (because I’m used to Booksale prices of under a hundred pesos), but it’s in excellent condition, and I figured I had to buy relatively expensive books a few times in my life. Besides, it’s books we’re talking about here. It’ll probably be worth it either way, except if it were drivel.

2) I  got to bond with my two favourite professors.

Sir and Ma’am, yes, those two. It’s been a while since the last time we got to sit around and talk about my life with my friends, so it was a welcome change in the monotonous routine. A week ago I gave Ma’am a copy of my poems and asked her for a critique. I figured I should give it at least a week before coming back for it, and today mars the end of that week. So I went to their office, hoping to find only her there, or with sir at the very least tolerable. Unfortunately, another prof, who shared the office with Sir and Ma’am and was a stranger to me, was also hanging around at the time. So when me & my best friend came in to ask for the poems and the inevitable kwentuhan (chatter) ensued, the stranger prof sat through it on her table, making about as much noise as a piece of paper lying flat on a surface. It was pretty sad, and had I been a little more finicky about the setting it would have been awkward, but I was too comfortable with my two favourite profs that when the conversation took off we all but forgot about the outsider.

It was pretty fucking awesome, and I still can’t wrap my head around everything that happened, from Ma’am gossiping with me about someone’s now ex-boyfriend to Sir asking if we wanted to grab a drink with them some time. It’s even cooler, because we’re still close even though I don’t have any classes with them this semester. I can’t help but smile at the thought of how lucky I am. It’s one of those few things that actually make me happy.

3) I met with the school counselor.

Before anything else, yes, I did cry. Not because of anything said in the room, though. It was more of the relief of finally pushing through with the first step of trying to help myself. I didn’t get to explain myself properly and fully, but the session was already on a roll, so. But I guess it’s okay, what we’re focussing on is still pretty important, i.e. my social anxiety. It actually felt more like a life-coaching seminar than an actual behavioural analysis session, but I guess that’s what it really is. I was being stupid, expecting a full-blown psychiatric diagnosis from a school counselor. But yeah, it’s better than nothing. It’s a start, and everything’s gotta start somewhere.

4) I saw a rainbow.random_05It’s not my first time; I’ve seen plenty before, both in Manila and here in Baguio. It was extra special and beautiful today, though, because the sky was the warm yellow color it turns into every rainy afternoon for the past weeks. It is during these moments in my life that I pity myself for having only a camera phone and not an actual DSLR to capture this image in its snowflake uniqueness, but it also made me thankful that I have a camera phone amazing enough to be able to take a beautiful-in-its-own-way photo like this. To be honest, it’s not too bad. To be even more honest, it’s a pretty terrific shot for a camera phone, don’t you think?