In Which I Do Not Want To Do Anything

I slept in my underwear the whole day. I suppose there is no good reason for me to have to mention that, but I guess I just thought it would make me look good in retrospect, or make the situation more romantic (because y’know, people in the movies do that all the time). However, I do believe that when people like me—i.e. people who are usually self-conscious to the point of paranoia even in isolation—sleep in their underwear instead of the usual comfortable and sensible clothes, something probably went wrong somewhere.

I feel like I fell down some stairs and broke my back at some point in the day, but forgot. I’ve been sleeping on and off for almost 9 hours now, in 3-hour intervals, after having stayed up speaking to my friend and to myself the whole night. I haven’t drank or eaten anything since the night before, but when I got here—home—this morning all I wanted to do each time I slept and then woke up was sleep some more. I’m not even sure if I wanted to do that or if if it was only a biological need to do my body justice. I didn’t feel any kind of actual stomach-wrenching hunger, only the slight nagging thought of my food going to waste if I don’t eat it some time soon. I wasn’t thirsty; I only found that out when I brought my water bottle to my lips in the hopes of finding something I really wanted at that moment.

Longing and craving for something has long since been my jam. It’s my thing. I can’t go a day without it, as neither can any other self-loathing bastard full of insecurity raised in a community where ugliness isn’t optional but is still frowned upon anyway, like it was your fault. I always have to want something; it’s my way of feeling alive, because “to want is to be human,” to completely alter  an old cliché. And so, this disorienting feeling of not wanting to do anything—and not wanting anything—with furious fervor is somehow another novel way in which I can die each day.

And I am tired of dying anew everyday, without even feeling alive in the first place.

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Things Have Happened

I enrolled. Fixed my schedules, paid my fees. Went to class for the first time this semester.

After the last class of the day, I found that I’m not ready for this yet. It’s going to be really difficult this time, I can feel it.

That being said, I hung out with my classmates on the first couple days of class.

I’m the one in the green shirt & faded jeans + dirty black sneakers.

I went back home to Manila after.

I got my hair dyed red for some reason I’m not sure of. I also had it cut a bit shorter. I like it. I think it looks kinda awesome. And besides, my sister paid for it.

It’s her birthday in a couple of days too, so I guess I came home in time.

There’s a big storm over some parts of the country again. Signal no. 5 or something. I can’t even begin to think of things that would make this okay.

We have a new fish in the tank. It’s an aroana. We haven’t yet decided on the name. It seems to be afraid of me.

fish

In No Particular Order..

November 1. My dad accidentally stepped on a piece of wood with a rusty nail poking out of it. He had to get anti-tetanus shots for it, but not until two days after and his foot had swollen to twice its size. Because y’know, trips to the doctor are impractical affairs that cost money. He’s fine now, just limping a little. I can only hope he remembers that big rusty nail digging into his sole and how he yelled in panic the next time he refuses to be careful.

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October 20. This was the puppy that died. She was named Chewbacca, nicknamed Chewie. She is survived by her mother, Rasubear, and her three sisters Bernardine, Little Brown, & Diamond.

Chewie

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I’ll be going back to Baguio in a few days. I’m packing up later today. Enrollment’s on the 5th, and classes start on the 7th. Who’s heard of breathers? Apparently not the folks at school.  I miss my friends, sure, but that hardly matters when set beside the prospect of the impending hardship this oncoming storm that is 2nd Semester AY 2013 – 2014 is bound to be. Damn it, I am so not ready for the new semester. I am not ready at all.

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Some good albums:

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October 30. I went out and was social with my two younger friends again.

Looking forward to going with these guys to UPD FebFair again next year.

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This sembreak was rather productive. I got around to finishing some of the books I’ve been meaning to get over and done with, I cleaned out my room, wiped windows, cooked some stuff for the Feast Of All Souls, and even got around to sorting my reading material, as you can see below.

Look at those readings. Hot damn, that’s a lot. And that’s not even all of it; I threw away some of my papers from first year (shame on me, I know). That’s still a whole lot of reading material I’ll probably never get around to reading until summer. Then, and maybe on Christmas break. I’m pretty excited!

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October 26 & 29. I bought myself some books, and a new journal.

Tom Carson’s Gilligan’s Wake & Benjamin Kunkel’s Indecision bought on October 26 for Php99, Php49.50 each.

Giligan's Wake; Indecision

On the same day I bought the new journal, whom I dubbed Vlad Joachim. Green, hardbound, unlined, with black ribbon page marker. “Middle finger foot” sticker rebuked from Gretta Juliann and transferred to back of Joche.

Holly Payne’s The Virgin Knot, Alex Master’s Stuart: A Life Backwards, & Stephen King’s Needful Things bought  on October 29 at Booksale, all for under Php90. Covers aren’t in good condition, but the pages are alright. Currently in the middle of Needful Things. Probably the best bargain book I’ve ever bought.

The Virgin's Knot; Stuart: A Life Backwards, Needful Things

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Check out this fuckin’ big-ass rabbit

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I need to sleep. The rest of the posts will have to wait until later today.