[audio http://k002.kiwi6.com/hotlink/01pg218396/alt-j_-_breezeblocks.mp3]

muscle to muscle and toe to toe
the fear has gripped me but here I go
my heart sinks as I jump up
your hand grips hand as my eyes shut

please break my heart

please don’t go
I’ll eat you whole
I love you so
I love you so, I love you so
—Alt-J, “Breezeblocks”


I Missed This Place.

and now you spend your evenings
searching for another life
— King Krule, “Easy Easy”

Let’s begin with the big rocks.

I now have a full-time job as a call center agent. I flunked out of school, like I feared would finally happen a few months ago. There is now a baby in the house, though it is not mine. There are also other people in the house; the total headcount comes to 13. The house right now is a very crowded place. I am pitching in to buy a new TV that I don’t think we should get, but we will be getting anyway. My sister currently has chicken pox. I am currently sick with a viral infection, and am on a five-day sick leave. I feel like I’ve already forgotten how to do my job. As early as now, actually, I already want out. I have taken up smoking as a daily habit, except on weekdays. I smoke ice menthols. My hair is now back to plain old black. Oh, and I am still a single virgin.

Okay. Now. Pebbles.

I have long nails now. It’s very hard to maintain them. I scrub myself with lemons when I bathe. I tie back what I can of my hair and I pin the rest back with a zoo of hairclips. I own dresses and heels now, and I wear them quite often to work. I have a canister of candies for when I feel like shit, and nowadays I notice my teeth always hurt because I grab a couple of caramels every few minutes (and doesn’t that say a lot about how I feel at any given moment in time). I eat a single chocolate for  breakfast every morning. My officemate picks me up every morning on the way to work. He’s a very nice person. I hang out with exactly two people outside of my work circle. Within my work circle, I hang out with exactly two people as well (not the same people as the ones outside, of course.) I just cleaned my room today. I also wrote a bit.

What my desk looks like after I clean the fuck out of it

What my desk looks like after I clean the fuck out of it

In case you’re wondering what the substance of this post is, I am not going to lie to you: there isn’t any. It’s another one of those life updates I used to be so fond of, back when I had the time to just sit around in my bed and talk about things endlessly to a nonexisting audience. Life updates which are just that: updates on my life, the goings-on, what-have-yous. No deep existential shit whatsoever. Besides, I haven’t been doing much thinking lately, anyway. Currently I have a lot going on in my mind (because of some ill developments in certain situations, and my own sour-graper ego), but hell I am tired of complaining; I wanna shut up about the bitchiness of life for once. I don’t want to be angry about anything right now; I just want to talk, to get shit off of my chest without having to be responsible for consequences talking out loud might have in the real world. So here I am, in my old comfort place. This is how my own room felt like when I came home from Baguio with the knowledge that I wasn’t going back. Smells a bit different, but not much has changed.

I missed this place. I missed it so very, very much.

Oh, and would you look at that. Almost exactly a year since my last post. Happy new year, my dear.

Hello, my universe. It’s good to be back, even for a little while.

I’m so tired,
I don’t know what to do

I’m so tired,
my mind is set on you

I wonder, should I call you?
but I know what you would do

you’d say
I’m putting you on
but it’s no joke

it’s doing me harm
you know I can’t sleep

I can’t stop my brain
you know it’s three weeks

I’m going insane

You know I’d give you everything I’ve got
For a little peace of mind

I’m so tired
I’m feeling so upset

Although I’m so tired
I’ll have another cigarette
—”I’m So Tired” by The Beatles

[audio http://skinsparty.free.fr/pro/Rock%20anglais/M.I.A%20-%20Paper%20Planes.mp3]
I fly like paper, get high like planes
if you catch me at the border, I got visas in my name
if you come around here, I make ’em all day
I get one done in a second if you wait

all I wanna do is *bang bang bang bang*
and a *klak* and *kching*
and take your money

pirate skulls and bones
sticks and stones and weed and bones
running when we hit ’em
lethal poison through their system

no one on the corner has swagger like us

some, some, some I, some I murder
some I, some I let go
—”Paper Planes” by M.I.A.

[audio http://a.tumblr.com/tumblr_mlua03RFzo1rikadmo1.mp3]
and never walk about, after dark

it’s my point of view
’cause someone could break your neck 
coming up behind you always coming and you’d never have a clue

and now I’m left behind, all the time 
I will wait forever
always looking straight 
thinking, counting, all the hours you wait 

it’s hard to understand 
’cause when you’re running by yourself 
it’s hard to find someone to hold your hand 

and now it’s gonna be tough for me 
but I will wait forever 
I need someone now 
to look into my eyes and tell me 
girl you know you’ve got to watch your health 

to look into my eyes and tell me 
la la la la la 

I see you on a dark night
—”Oblivion” by Grimes