My brain is being visited by random sounds and smells

How strange. This intro to a Mexican telenovela just started playing in my head last night. I have a vague memory of having watched the show in the afternoons when I was around 4 or 5, but aside from that I don’t remember any episode from the show, or what it was about. The show’s title, El Diario de Daniela, has floated around in my head for most of my life, without really being attached to anything. I finally decided to look it up, and was somewhat surprised to find that all these years I had been humming the melody correctly—note for note—in my head, right from 00:30.  It’s strange, because I don’t really think about it, I don’t actually remember anything about it, and yet I’ve never forgotten it. And last night this intro just began playing in my head, snippets of its tune mixing in with Blur, Beach Boys, and the Swiss Army Man soundtrack. I wonder if it’s trying to tell me something. Maybe my mind is so hung up on the present and future that it’s decided to introduce some positive/neutral feeling of nostalgia for the past, if only to ground me.

Odd. Last night, too, I remember being hit by a vivid memory of this very particular scent. It was the smell of lotion from a brand called Bambini. They used to hand out samples of the stuff during school fairs back in 4th grade. I remember the smell flooding the classroom as girls ripped open their packets, eager to try them out; sweet and cloying, the kind of fruity smell that would give you headaches after a while. There wasn’t an image in my head, but the memory of the smell was very realistic. I almost thought someone in the house had bought a bottle of the lotion and was using it in the middle of the night.

I’m being haunted by insignificant sensations from my youth.

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My, my.

You opened a can of worms, my friend. You probably didn’t mean for that to happen, but it did. I can feel you inching farther and farther away from me, further proof of how guilty you’re probably feeling about everything. The way you acted that one night changed the way we would be for the rest of our days.. And I’m willing to bet every cent I have to my name that you know full well what happened—hell, you can probably pinpoint the exact moment you fucked things up. Know how I know? ‘Cause I can, too. I did. I knew it was happening. I saw it right before my eyes. I didn’t think to stop it, though. Probably because I thought you knew what you were doing.

No, scratch that—I hoped you knew what you were doing. I prayed that you were awake and aware of the way you set the drapes of my mind on fire, aware of the way the flames shone through the windows of my eyes. I pleaded with all of my heart: please tell me he’s doing this on purpose.

But you weren’t. No one ever claims to be when they’re drunk.

I Missed This Place.


and now you spend your evenings
searching for another life
— King Krule, “Easy Easy”

Let’s begin with the big rocks.

I now have a full-time job as a call center agent. I flunked out of school, like I feared would finally happen a few months ago. There is now a baby in the house, though it is not mine. There are also other people in the house; the total headcount comes to 13. The house right now is a very crowded place. I am pitching in to buy a new TV that I don’t think we should get, but we will be getting anyway. My sister currently has chicken pox. I am currently sick with a viral infection, and am on a five-day sick leave. I feel like I’ve already forgotten how to do my job. As early as now, actually, I already want out. I have taken up smoking as a daily habit, except on weekdays. I smoke ice menthols. My hair is now back to plain old black. Oh, and I am still a single virgin.

Okay. Now. Pebbles.

I have long nails now. It’s very hard to maintain them. I scrub myself with lemons when I bathe. I tie back what I can of my hair and I pin the rest back with a zoo of hairclips. I own dresses and heels now, and I wear them quite often to work. I have a canister of candies for when I feel like shit, and nowadays I notice my teeth always hurt because I grab a couple of caramels every few minutes (and doesn’t that say a lot about how I feel at any given moment in time). I eat a single chocolate for  breakfast every morning. My officemate picks me up every morning on the way to work. He’s a very nice person. I hang out with exactly two people outside of my work circle. Within my work circle, I hang out with exactly two people as well (not the same people as the ones outside, of course.) I just cleaned my room today. I also wrote a bit.

What my desk looks like after I clean the fuck out of it

What my desk looks like after I clean the fuck out of it

In case you’re wondering what the substance of this post is, I am not going to lie to you: there isn’t any. It’s another one of those life updates I used to be so fond of, back when I had the time to just sit around in my bed and talk about things endlessly to a nonexisting audience. Life updates which are just that: updates on my life, the goings-on, what-have-yous. No deep existential shit whatsoever. Besides, I haven’t been doing much thinking lately, anyway. Currently I have a lot going on in my mind (because of some ill developments in certain situations, and my own sour-graper ego), but hell I am tired of complaining; I wanna shut up about the bitchiness of life for once. I don’t want to be angry about anything right now; I just want to talk, to get shit off of my chest without having to be responsible for consequences talking out loud might have in the real world. So here I am, in my old comfort place. This is how my own room felt like when I came home from Baguio with the knowledge that I wasn’t going back. Smells a bit different, but not much has changed.

I missed this place. I missed it so very, very much.

Oh, and would you look at that. Almost exactly a year since my last post. Happy new year, my dear.

Hello, my universe. It’s good to be back, even for a little while.

In Which Nag-Taglish Ako Sa Sobrang Sama Ng Loob

Sobrang nakakasama ng loob how I can’t update this blog anytime I want to. Nakakainis yung kawalan ko ng access sa internet, yung kabagalan ng laptop, yung pagbaha ng mga thoughts and ideas every time may internet—so much so na hindi mo na lang ma-handle yung dami at you end up not doing anything dahil masyadong madaming ideas to keep up with—and the mere fact na I made this blog to be privy to my multimedia thoughts pero hindi ito nakaka-live up to my expectations, and it’s mostly all my fault. Kasalanan ko na walang matinong internet yung bahay na tinitirhan ko, na wala akong pera pambili ng matinong laptop, na wala akong oras mag-ayos ng mga kaisipan kahit buong araw ako nag-iisip. Kasalanan ko na deprived ako.

Ah tangina. Gusto ko pa din talagang i-maintain ‘to, I swear. Kaso I want to be able to do it on my own time, in my own pace; how I want to, when I want to. And you know me: pag hindi ayon sa gusto ko, madalas ayoko nalang. Sobrang sakit sa kalooban na patapos na ang November ay 12 posts pa lang din ang nagagawa ko dito—may daya pa yun, like 75% of that number is made up of Sky photos or music—kahit pa sobrang dami kong mga naiisip. I mean, sure, most of those thoughts end up sa journal ko, but like I said, I made this blog for a purpose, and that purpose is to cater to my multimedia thoughts, which make up the bulk of my thinking process.

So yun. Nakakaiyak man, tanggap ko na siguro na I won’t be able to maintain this blog, or at least not as much as I want to. I’ll be waiting for the time na magkaroon na ako ng kahit maayos na internet man lang—when it does come, I swear I will come back to this blog and post every single damn thing that crosses my mind and I will love every minute of it—but until then, kailangan kong magtiyaga sa cramped situation I am in, i.e. being able to make posts within the daily 30-second window in the dumbfuck internet connection, or not post at all.

The cracks of my heart grow in micromillimeters with every single urge to blog ignored, but there’s nothing I can do but tape over these cracks and wait.

[audio http://skinsparty.free.fr/pro/Rock%20anglais/M.I.A%20-%20Paper%20Planes.mp3]
I fly like paper, get high like planes
if you catch me at the border, I got visas in my name
if you come around here, I make ’em all day
I get one done in a second if you wait

all I wanna do is *bang bang bang bang*
and a *klak* and *kching*
and take your money

pirate skulls and bones
sticks and stones and weed and bones
running when we hit ’em
lethal poison through their system

no one on the corner has swagger like us

some, some, some I, some I murder
some I, some I let go
—”Paper Planes” by M.I.A.

In No Particular Order..

November 1. My dad accidentally stepped on a piece of wood with a rusty nail poking out of it. He had to get anti-tetanus shots for it, but not until two days after and his foot had swollen to twice its size. Because y’know, trips to the doctor are impractical affairs that cost money. He’s fine now, just limping a little. I can only hope he remembers that big rusty nail digging into his sole and how he yelled in panic the next time he refuses to be careful.

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October 20. This was the puppy that died. She was named Chewbacca, nicknamed Chewie. She is survived by her mother, Rasubear, and her three sisters Bernardine, Little Brown, & Diamond.

Chewie

* * * * *

I’ll be going back to Baguio in a few days. I’m packing up later today. Enrollment’s on the 5th, and classes start on the 7th. Who’s heard of breathers? Apparently not the folks at school.  I miss my friends, sure, but that hardly matters when set beside the prospect of the impending hardship this oncoming storm that is 2nd Semester AY 2013 – 2014 is bound to be. Damn it, I am so not ready for the new semester. I am not ready at all.

* * * * *

Some good albums:

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October 30. I went out and was social with my two younger friends again.

Looking forward to going with these guys to UPD FebFair again next year.

* * * * *

This sembreak was rather productive. I got around to finishing some of the books I’ve been meaning to get over and done with, I cleaned out my room, wiped windows, cooked some stuff for the Feast Of All Souls, and even got around to sorting my reading material, as you can see below.

Look at those readings. Hot damn, that’s a lot. And that’s not even all of it; I threw away some of my papers from first year (shame on me, I know). That’s still a whole lot of reading material I’ll probably never get around to reading until summer. Then, and maybe on Christmas break. I’m pretty excited!

* * * * *

October 26 & 29. I bought myself some books, and a new journal.

Tom Carson’s Gilligan’s Wake & Benjamin Kunkel’s Indecision bought on October 26 for Php99, Php49.50 each.

Giligan's Wake; Indecision

On the same day I bought the new journal, whom I dubbed Vlad Joachim. Green, hardbound, unlined, with black ribbon page marker. “Middle finger foot” sticker rebuked from Gretta Juliann and transferred to back of Joche.

Holly Payne’s The Virgin Knot, Alex Master’s Stuart: A Life Backwards, & Stephen King’s Needful Things bought  on October 29 at Booksale, all for under Php90. Covers aren’t in good condition, but the pages are alright. Currently in the middle of Needful Things. Probably the best bargain book I’ve ever bought.

The Virgin's Knot; Stuart: A Life Backwards, Needful Things

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Check out this fuckin’ big-ass rabbit

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I need to sleep. The rest of the posts will have to wait until later today.