The internet has been a bitch back here in Baguio for more than a month now. I don’t think it’s going to get any better any time soon. It worries me because the academic work is once again piling up and you know how I am, I always need the internet as reference. But at the same time I’m a little relieved, because I now feel only a little to no urge at all to obsessively check my Facebook every few minutes. The crappy connection still gets on my nerves, though, especially when I’m cramming stuff and the damn page I’m using as reference won’t load; I feel like I grow an aneurysm every time.
Nothing much has been happening, anyway. The pressure to post stuff is coming back, though. It’s not a lot, but you know. The doubts about how well I’m keeping this blog—even by my own standards—are starting to creep in. It sometimes feels like I’m starting to neglect this place. I don’t want to, and I certainly don’t mean to. It’s just that the internet is really such a bitch, and mostly it fucks up right around the time I want to post stuff. I end up just forgetting the things I wanted to talk about. I do feel a little bad when I see the almost-90 post count for the first couple months. But I’m determined to not let this be a ningas-kugon thing. I was probably posting a lot because of that twisted notion I used to have, that people actually cared about what I post here. Now I’ve dropped that; maybe I should hide my post counter, too. Ehehe.
Been getting in touch with my senior year classmates from whom I was physically faraway but virtually hiding, i.e. I blocked them from my Facebook. Yes, I’m evil and insecure, I know, I won’t even try to defend myself. Also gained some new friends after an unexpected birthday pig-out-turned-all-night-out-talking-by-a-7-11; I am now friends with most of the integrated BALL block. One of my new friends is my complete opposite: she has Jesus, is completely selfless and understanding, and is not afraid to hug people. I feel, however, that our friendship is already on a meaningful level, after only a few days. It may be due to the shared burden of a problematic friend, but it means a lot that there is now someone in my life who is so obviously not just an offshoot of my personality.
There’s this one girl. She’s more boyish than me when it comes to get-up, but she’s pretty cute when it comes to talking and stuff. My best friend likes her a lot, and for quite some time now. I don’t talk to her a lot. She’s part of the new group I’m friends with, but even then she’s not my main ties with the group so we rarely talk. However, recently she’s been approaching me sometimes to poke and jibe at me smilingly about my girly clothes (that I only wear when I have to do a report or something), saying things like “shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?”. It bugs me to no end, because we aren’t that close, or at least not close enough for statements like that to just slide off me. Or maybe it’s just me and my sensibilities as a hopeless romantic again? I try not to pin too much meaning on it, though. If it means anything, it’s got to be trouble.
Boys. I am once again getting crushes on boys that I don’t know or talk to, who sometimes smile at me, who apparently say things about me along the lines of “sayang, boyish kasi e” to people (okay, person) who are more than a little hesitant to tell me about it, boys who seem to walk past me far too many times in corridors, boys who make noncommittal eye contact with me, who look at me from their seats during class way too often, who look away when I catch them—and I do catch them. More than once. I don’t think they really like me, though. They probably just find me weird and too pa-bibo in class. Stupid feelingera me.
More schoolwork to be done. Another long paper for my Lit Crit class, a report for my Media Studies about music groups which I’m supposed to find very easy but ironically do not and am doing nothing about, an extemporaneous for my Speech Comm class which I am scared to death of doing, about a dozen missed homework for my Filipino Varieties class, skipped readings and activities, and overall lack of knowledge absorption and processing. I am nervous as all fuck but my brain is, as usual, playing it cool before I predict it eventually breaks down again.
I do hope I’m not forgetting anything.
Oh, and Diego C posted the third episode of Foaming At The Mouth three days ago, Socks, Drugs and Rock n’ Roll! Only now got the chance to listen to it because of my retarded internet connection. I was in Manila for the weekends and was online a lot, but I was mostly doing research for the SC 10 report I gave the other day (in which I wore a floral shirt and failed spectacularly at delivering but the class didn’t seem to notice). Great way to start the day at uhh 2:30 in the morning. Fell asleep listening to Sigur Ros at around 8PM and so woke up extremely early, waaaay too early. I probably won’t be able to wake up in time for class. Dammit. Meh anyway, this is another fucking awesome episode, maybe more awesome because Diego C is rambling because he’s drunk, and he talks about his youth as an intern in NU 107 during the 80s(?)—my dream when I was young and boring in the 00s. God fucking dammit, the more I listen to this man..
Brain not working, so pardon the weird syntax or anything. Will edit and rephrase if time and proper internet connection is found.