In the 4 or so days that I forewent posting in this blog for spending time with my family, I forgot all about it. In the moment before I decided to log back in and post something decent to make up for everything, I was seized by a weird feeling of foreboding, of fear that this place won’t be as welcoming and homey as it used to be, because I left it alone for so long and actually forgot about it. And I felt that it somehow knew. (side: I’ve always thought of some inanimate objects as living things, with emotions & cognitive processes. I still do. Is that crazy?) And in that moment, I was filled with the kind of guilt that makes you want to scramble to your knees and try to do something about what you did.
But I was too tired from my travel to be able to do anything more mentally-taxing than “like” random things on Facebook & download dozens of handwritten fonts. I couldn’t force myself to write, even about the most mundane things that I can (and do) usually over-romanticize and make a short paragraph from. I was spent, and I didn’t want to be with anyone, or do anything. Even this blog, which usually served as company (though it’s been a more sporadic friend recently) I had to get away from, because the obligations felt like they would crush even my big bones.
There are a lot of things to be done these coming days: research on a language’s grammar which I have zero idea how to go on about, an exam I skipped simply because I didn’t want to take it, a poem to do a close reading and a paper on, countless missed homeworks on one subject, plus my household planning. My flying brain refusing to accept everything that has to be done has got to be the worst thing that could happen at this time in my life, but it’s not like it hasn’t happened before. And I thought that I couldn’t handle this blog right now, especially if it has become cold and strange in the time that I left it alone.
But it didn’t. If anything, it doesn’t feel like anything. It’s probably my own inability to feel things at the moment that’s causing this. This is a lot better than resentful, to be honest (and that has happened with my previous blogs: one day they just felt strange and unwelcoming). I can work with this. Hopefully my proper emotions come back to rise up from this dull buzzing, and soon. In the meantime, I’ll try my best to keep this blog alive. I seriously don’t want this one to fade away from me, like all the rest. I can’t afford to lose another friend because of my stupidity. Not if I can help it.