On Socializing, Ineptitude & Running Away

I want to retreat into my hole again.

Don’t get me wrong; I mean, it’s great that I now have friends where I was once a hermit, and that I now have been to places that are, for me, beautiful and special in their own ways. It’s great, it’s an improvement, it’s progress.

But it’s also starting to weigh down on my existence heavily.

I don’t know why I’m like this. I have this thing where one random day I would just feel the irresistible urge to stop talking to anyone and be soft-spoken and introspective the entire day. Most of my friends aren’t so dense as to not notice something’s wrong, but they don’t really say anything about it either; they just go on with their businesses, all the while paying extra attention to not say anything about my mood. And that’s great, really it is. But sometimes I just want to punch everyone in the face for not saying anything. Either that, or I simply walk away, back to my house, where I lie face-down on my bed and cry for a few hours, after which I get back up, make dinner, and spend the night with the internet. Usually I’m fine by next morning, but sometimes it takes a few days. I don’t know what it is exactly.

And lately I’ve been doing something else: I agree to go out with people, then ditch at the last moment. For the record, I don’t ditch for no reason; oftentimes I wake up sick on the morning of the gig, or I fall sick right before the event. It’s always me getting sick. Only now do I realize that maybe this is some sort of psychosomatic defense mechanism my body is putting up against my having to socialize against my will.

As of now, I’m back to that feeling of wanting to just run away from all the people I’ve met, and hide in my room the whole day. Many times in the past it’s gotten to a point where I would hate myself for “even befriending these people that I don’t even really like nor understand because they’re so normal and I am nothing like them how the fuck did I even manage to make them my friends they’re so nice and I’m so evil I hate them for no good reason”. I would want to undo everything I’ve ever done in my life that led me to have this lot of social obligations: people to make small talk with, to say hi to, to ask about their lives without telling them about mine because they don’t want to hear about it anyway. People to deal with. And I don’t even know how I got these people in the first place.

It’s been one ill feeling after the other these past few weeks. I know what the reason is, but it’s not my friends, for sure. It’s sad that they’re the ones I’m lashing out on (so to speak), though. But it’s not like this hasn’t been a part of my daily existence since the first time in my life that I actually gained friends, so I guess it’s really just my own damn fault that I’m so stupid.

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