You Again? Goddammit.

I dreamed of you again last night. It’s pretty crazy how I keep dreaming about you when all I want right now is to just stop thinking about you altogether.

I dreamed that we were in a jeep, and you were making small talk with me. Well, it wasn’t so much small talk as it was asking me if I still felt anything for you. You were smiling; I felt awful. It wasn’t a feverish conversation, yet we got so engaged in it that we actually forgot to get off at our stop. The place where we got off is unfamiliar to me in waking, but we both seemed to recognize it right away in the dream so we found our way eventually. I didn’t know where we were going, though.

It turns out we were going to my house, and you were meeting my family for some reason. You sat on the floor around the living room table with my brother and sisters (who were all curiously young; my brother looked like he was 17, and my sisters each looked around 5 years younger), laughing and talking and goofing around. At one point you actually took out your camera phone and started filming things, and my siblings promptly began making faces and waving at the camera. You laughed along and filmed each of them, eyes on the screen the whole time.. But then you got to filming me, and your eyes went straight to mine. I felt my heart thud in my chest (seriously, I did feel it) and so I ran for the bathroom. My god, how very teenager of me.

The dream ends there. I don’t quite know what to make of it, but I don’t like the warm happiness I felt in that dream when you met my family and I saw how you had so much fun with them, and they, you. I don’t like it one bit. It doesn’t help at all that you have completely stopped communicating with me. Recently I’ve been feeling like a used mop when I think of you, and this dream makes things worse. I don’t want to think about you anymore, because I know that the end is near–if not already here–and I don’t want anything to get in its way.

So there you go. I’m done. I’m letting go. The problem is, even if I’ve let go, I’m still not falling off.


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