into my eyes
of liquid mercury.
You smack your lips
at the sound
of my struggling
of my skin.
I stare at you
with my empty
except for the drip
of my mercury.
as you pull out
Ganito ang rough template ng conversations I have with most people..
Ako: Uy kamusta naaa! 😀
Utaw: Haha ok lang ikaw
Ako: Eto harass bwisit etc etc pero okay lang naman haha ikaw? Ano na bago sayo?
Utaw: Marami ang hirap nga ng buhay ko e grabe sobra nakakaiyak atsaka pala bago selpon ko pati sapatos ko. Andami kong problema sa buhay, pero magaling naman ako at madaming alam kaya okay lang.
Ako: Um haha okay. Ako, eto, may bago rin naman sa buhay ko–
Utaw: Haha pero wala naman akong pake sayo e. Talaga kasing madami akong alam at ako lang ang importante. Sige pa hingan mo pa ako ng opinyon at kamustahin mo pa ako habang binabalewala ko mga sinasabi mo tungkol sa buhay mo, kasi ako lang dapat ang pinag-uusapan natin.
Ako: Ay puta. O AYAN ISAKSAK MO SA NGALA-NGALA MO YANG SARILI MO HAYOP KANG SELF-CENTERED PIECE OF SHIT MOTHERFUCKER
Ikaw ‘tong walang kwentang tao, pero between the two of us, ako pa yung walang kaibigan. Talaga naman, ang misteryo ng buhay ay walang humpay..
This is what my way home looks like. It’s nothing like Baguio, except sometimes, it has pretty clouds too.
Everyday, life feels more and more like a rope running short. When I get home, it’s like there’s always a fuckload of things that I need to be doing (which I have to categorize according to priority and similarity of nature & write down in Post-Its) when in truth the only things that ever really need to be done are my simple house chores, my academics, and this blog. I barely even get the chance to post anything on here; lately I’ve been posting my Sky Photographs at around 11PM, simply because there’s no other time in the day that I can do it, regardless of whether I get home early or not. It’s like an advanced form of procrastinating, where my plans make & organize themselves but only until the very last minute. It’s like something is eating up my life, but I can’t see what it is.
No, but you have to understand: this is what beauty looks like when you’re not looking.
photo taken with my sister’s phone, hence the oddly panoramic resolution
You sit across me
and your porcelain facade
casts a shadow on the floor,
as opaque as your blank gaze.
I look up, and meet
your eyes, and I turn away,
eyes burning, blinking away
the afterimages of your form.
It did me little to no good.
My nervous hands–
the attempt at permanence
leaking its fear through digits–
slip and slide against the metal.
Snaps silent as the
breath of a finger flying across
the screens of my point of view,
I adore you, grasped in my eyes.
Clutched in my hand,
technology paves the way to
carving you into my conscious;
you, shrouded in your mystery.
Yes, I am once again en route to Manila. I am actually only around a half-hour away from getting off the bus, now that we’ve finally broken free from the traffic. It’s been a tedious 9-hour trip instead of the usual 6-7, partly because the tollway people are especially slow today. For the past hour it’s been a 3-second-advance-30-minute-stop tango, and most of us in the bus were already getting fidgety. I myself got up off my seat to peer out of windows a few times.
Anyway, so the entire trip I had been thinking of her again. I texted her last night; the last time she messaged me on Facebook, she said she had been really busy, going home every night at 10PM. I had wondered why she’s suddenly so busy, then I saw something on the ticker that kind of explained it (because like I said, I am observant when it comes to things I want): she was added as a member to a closed group called “Drumming Apps 1st Sem”. It seems she has signed up as a member of the Drum Corps for the Uni Pep Squad. It’s probably a rigorous thing, hence the schedule. So I texted her about it, and of course, she did not reply. I tried not to think too much of it, really I did.. But what I started thinking of was way worse and painful.
I think I’m finally starting to seriously talk myself out of trying to be with her.
Up until today I really only told myself that I had to let her be out of sheer obligation to keep my feet on the ground and to not be overly idealistic/romantic. It’s like it was a concept that I knew but could not understand. For the duration of this trip, though, I had been doing nothing but weighing everything that has anything to do with us: her status as a human being, my status as a human being, and the quixotic feel to everything. I actually tried being reasonable, and to a certain extent, I think I succeeded.
Well, I don’t want to go into any more detail, because this is not a blog dedicated to her; this is a blog about my life. And she is not my life.. At least, not anymore.
Finally, the bus is moving at a steady speed. Looks like I’ll be home in another hour or so. Yesssss